I used to have a magnet on my refrigerator that read "Do you have any idea what you're doing? - God" It was a big ceramic purple circle with white lettering. Plain but bold and quietly startling. No, I have no idea what I'm doing. Still. Moments when I think I've figured it out or mustered up a plan consistently prove fleeting. Whenever I begin to feel humble and knowledgeable the Lord shows me a mirror. Oh yes, only pride and ignorance here. Still. I had forgotten what I looked like.
Again, James reminds me not to deceive myself by merely listening. Sometimes he shouts.
So . . .what am I doing? 1:30 am is a reflective hour. What am I doing? Am I loving those I love? Those I don't? Am I serving? Seeking? Am I giving til it hurts? Sacrificing? Am I digging deep? Making a difference? Am I reflecting the Son? Inspiring? Am I doing?
Tonight I am praying the Lord would not let me be a hearer only. Do I mean it? I pray I do. I'm afraid of my assignment. I know there will be pain. I will be put in the fire for refinement. It is necessary for useful pots. And I want to be useful. Still, I squirm a bit. The only way to deliver others from pain is to suffer yourself. The giving that counts hurts. The giving that makes a difference costs. I want to be like Able, and the widow who gave her last mite, and David, "I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing." Who am I that I should only receive and not sacrifice? Why should I remain unburdened while others know true heartache? Children orphaned. Christ left his throne for me. He suffered my cross.
Not a hearer only Lord. Make me a mama to a little one who has no one. Give our family to some innocent soul, left. Give my heart over to things that matter. Show me the ". . .ing" in the flame. My present-tense purpose.
I still have no idea what I am doing. Only that I'm going into the kiln. Obeying. Trusting. Adopting.
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27