Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Scheduled insanity would be better

Its now wed. Three days after our return from CA and I'm still not back on track! Whenever we go out of town I feel like I've left the planet and it takes an amazing amount of time for me to regain my equilibrium. I'm all emotionally Topsy-turvey and in a battle with schedule vertigo. If I find it in me to make plans, I'm facing a different direction when the time comes time to follow through. But this is just silliness - today I am accomplishing what I purpose to do. And that's that.

I have managed to make dinner every night this week. Something I haven't been doing for months. That's a start. Yesterday we had Sabrina and her kids over for dinner and I think the boys were very grateful. They seem to go into withdrawals with out at least a biweekly meeting with the cousins. Those kids are so close, they really are more like siblings. Which is kind of cool. I remember wishing I had cousins my age when I was young. But I left a huge mess for myself last night and its staring at me today. If I could just fight through the exhaustion and clean up a little before bed our mornings would be so much more pleasant. I recently made myself a new daily schedule and things were going pretty well until the long weekend. It took a total of three days to send me straight back into my old ways. My weakness is always just under the surface. I'm so grateful God gives me a new start every morning.

I have recently been very interested in the life of that AMAZING woman on Jon and Kate plus 8. People often talk of the inspiration or encouragement they gain from certain songs or music or whatever and I never quite understand how they get so much from just another famous person. But now I do. That woman inspires me. Truly. Whenever I start to get stressed or feel like losing myself to the circus, I think of her dealing with eight demanding little people always underfoot - and I know that if someone can endure that everyday and still want to live the day at its fullest - surely I can handle whatever my three have in store. And I really admire people who are so organized like that. I try to be, but often fall just a little bit short of gaining complete control. I can get things organized and put together but scheduling is different. I am an easily (emphasis added) easily distracted person so anything can through me off track. A phone call, a spill, and crazy paranoid mom thought (you know like when you see a lump on your child's neck, it can go from a swollen gland from the ongoing cold to a tumor in a matter of seconds) , an invitation to do something more fun, and sudden need to re-arrange the furniture, etc. all can change my well planned day into unproductive chaos. How my husband puts up with me is one of God's wonders. I seem to too often go where my mind will take me. As result, dinner is late and chores pile up. Still he remains very encouraging and believes I get to the things that are important. I try to be on top of things but I guess its my creative, right-brain that gets in the way. I'm way too much of a scatterbrain to be that ridged. But I'm good at impromptu projects, like suddenly painting a room, rearranging the house, or art projects for the kids.
Anyway, my goal is to find more of a balance between the two. I want to get my chores done yet still go with the flow of what the day brings. I think the key is in getting up early. Or at least earlier.
And maybe leaving the furniture where it is.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Sour Face Ann

So I guess old habits beat new technology. In the past, I've often started new journals (old fashion diaries - remember those?) every time I wanted to renew my commitment to journaling. And in the same fashion, today I am starting a new blog. Not just a new post but a whole new url. I feel in need of a fresh start. A new commitment. And because I love Rachel's blog so much and find it so inspiring I chose this place. Starting over always feels good. Even in cyberspace. So here's to another try . . .

OK, let's see . . .
This past weekend was Easter. We made the journey back to Chino Hills to spend the holiday with my family. Overall we had a very good time. Going home is in someways like going on vacation for me and in others like going back in time to when I spent most of my life frustrated. My mother is wonderful. She takes over all my duties and tends to the needs of my whole family and pampers me to no end. And she enjoys it! How is that possible? I'm exhausted watching her scurry around meeting and even anticipating all the needs and wants of the people she loves. I used to try and help but I never do it right and I definitely lack the love of serving that she is clearly called to. Now don't' get me wrong, its not that I don't like to do things for others, in fact I often enjoy doing special things for friends and family, its just that I have a limit. At some point my selfishness rears its ugly head and starts screaming resentment at all in my path. How I wish I could be more like my mother. You see, my father, brother and husband are all very into motorcycle riding and they usually go for a ride together whenever we get together. Not just a couple hours either, ALL DAY LONG. From sun up to well past sun down they are out enjoying the sun, their hobby and freedom. We are at home with them - the children. Which my mom doesn't mind 'cause she doesn't get to see them much. I, however, spend every waking moment with them. - Then when they return we get to make and serve them dinner, watch what they want on TV and etc. Now, I love my kids but occasionally I'd like to get out for awhile too. Mom and I never get to go do things alone together. And if I voice this I am told that I'm being hard to get along with and responsible for making everyone feel bad. And I'm eleven years old again, filled with emotion I'm not allowed to express. I usually leave filled with flashbacks of my parents reprimanding me with, "You can think whatever you want but keep it to yourself. And wipe that look off you face!"And then convicted of my selfishness the whole drive home. Again, I promise myself that next time will be different.

Today I'm just being lazy. It's 1pm and we still haven't done school. I'm fighting a migraine and I'm just spent from the weekend and plan to take it easy. I don't know why, I always feel a little lost when we get home. Like I don't know where to begin. The house is in fairly decent shape and the kids were so busy all weekend that I think we could all use a little down time. The boys keep filling plastic eggs with candy and bestowing them upon me like treasure every 5 min. I think it's their sneaky way of asking for some without actually asking. They are being really good - like I said - we are in need of a quiet day. I wish my hubby could relax with me, but he's back to the grind. In fact there is trouble between him and his partner/father and he's been a bit burned about it all weekend. Today doesn't look much better. Going into business for yourself is hard enough, add family to the mix and you might as well shove a pencil in your ear every morning. Knowing what we know now, I'm not sure we'd have gotten into this. I'm sure everything will smooth over but I'm also sure it will happen again. If I'm feeling like a little girl after one weekend at home, that poor man must feel like he's caught in a time warp.

Well I suppose I'd better go teach school- reading, writing, arithmetic and honoring thy mother and father . . . with a smile.

ps - my old posts can be viewed at username is americanspark