Monday, March 24, 2008

Sour Face Ann

So I guess old habits beat new technology. In the past, I've often started new journals (old fashion diaries - remember those?) every time I wanted to renew my commitment to journaling. And in the same fashion, today I am starting a new blog. Not just a new post but a whole new url. I feel in need of a fresh start. A new commitment. And because I love Rachel's blog so much and find it so inspiring I chose this place. Starting over always feels good. Even in cyberspace. So here's to another try . . .

OK, let's see . . .
This past weekend was Easter. We made the journey back to Chino Hills to spend the holiday with my family. Overall we had a very good time. Going home is in someways like going on vacation for me and in others like going back in time to when I spent most of my life frustrated. My mother is wonderful. She takes over all my duties and tends to the needs of my whole family and pampers me to no end. And she enjoys it! How is that possible? I'm exhausted watching her scurry around meeting and even anticipating all the needs and wants of the people she loves. I used to try and help but I never do it right and I definitely lack the love of serving that she is clearly called to. Now don't' get me wrong, its not that I don't like to do things for others, in fact I often enjoy doing special things for friends and family, its just that I have a limit. At some point my selfishness rears its ugly head and starts screaming resentment at all in my path. How I wish I could be more like my mother. You see, my father, brother and husband are all very into motorcycle riding and they usually go for a ride together whenever we get together. Not just a couple hours either, ALL DAY LONG. From sun up to well past sun down they are out enjoying the sun, their hobby and freedom. We are at home with them - the children. Which my mom doesn't mind 'cause she doesn't get to see them much. I, however, spend every waking moment with them. - Then when they return we get to make and serve them dinner, watch what they want on TV and etc. Now, I love my kids but occasionally I'd like to get out for awhile too. Mom and I never get to go do things alone together. And if I voice this I am told that I'm being hard to get along with and responsible for making everyone feel bad. And I'm eleven years old again, filled with emotion I'm not allowed to express. I usually leave filled with flashbacks of my parents reprimanding me with, "You can think whatever you want but keep it to yourself. And wipe that look off you face!"And then convicted of my selfishness the whole drive home. Again, I promise myself that next time will be different.

Today I'm just being lazy. It's 1pm and we still haven't done school. I'm fighting a migraine and I'm just spent from the weekend and plan to take it easy. I don't know why, I always feel a little lost when we get home. Like I don't know where to begin. The house is in fairly decent shape and the kids were so busy all weekend that I think we could all use a little down time. The boys keep filling plastic eggs with candy and bestowing them upon me like treasure every 5 min. I think it's their sneaky way of asking for some without actually asking. They are being really good - like I said - we are in need of a quiet day. I wish my hubby could relax with me, but he's back to the grind. In fact there is trouble between him and his partner/father and he's been a bit burned about it all weekend. Today doesn't look much better. Going into business for yourself is hard enough, add family to the mix and you might as well shove a pencil in your ear every morning. Knowing what we know now, I'm not sure we'd have gotten into this. I'm sure everything will smooth over but I'm also sure it will happen again. If I'm feeling like a little girl after one weekend at home, that poor man must feel like he's caught in a time warp.

Well I suppose I'd better go teach school- reading, writing, arithmetic and honoring thy mother and father . . . with a smile.

ps - my old posts can be viewed at username is americanspark

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