Today I sat in the driver seat of our new used passenger van and felt very small. Three rows of back seats extend beyond my reach. Beyond my dreams. As I surveyed this giant box I was overwhelmed. And as I laughed to mask the panic rising up, I realized there was a familiar lesson being driven home on this small bus. "Many are the plans of man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 Never could I have imagined myself here. My plans did not look like this... Not five children, not a relationship with adoption agencies and attorneys, birth mothers and strange babies. My plans included smaller, prettier pursuits. But isn't it just like the Lord to laugh at our silly plans. Surely this beast of vehicle is nothing short of heaven mocking me, having a chuckle at the sight of such a small creature deluded with ideas of control and arrogant presumption. I have to laugh at myself even.
Our adoption journey has been a wild ride wrought with lessons and reminders that we are completely carried through this life by Grace. As I look at my little foster guy, Gods grace is glaring and blinding. How He provided for the both of us is astounding. Like the lilies, he kept this little one in his perfect timing until he grew me in his perfect timing and brought this alien pair together to share a most profound and fundamental connection of mother and child. One of helpless, one of us faithless, both of us carried by His plan. And now it would be hard to breathe without each other. Wasn't I an alien to heaven, yet made a citizen in HIS plan?
As look at Adam, I wonder about the illusion of parenthood altogether. I watched an amazingly selfless woman deny herself even a glimpse of his face so as not to waver in her hopeful future for him. One she can't give him. So she gave him to me. . . even now I have to pause to absorb such an act. Didn't the Lord look away as he gave Christ to us on a cross? As he gave us a future we could never make ourselves. When people speak of God as love do they understand this is the picture?... a slaughter of everything you hold precious as the world goes dark? Abraham knew. Birth mothers must know.
How can I bear such a heavy responsibility? Such a gift? How will I ever be worthy? The truth is I have never been worthy and will never be. We're dealing in souls after all. Aren't we all parenting infinite beings planned before the foundations of the earth and fearfully knit together by the hand of an Almighty God? Really we had nothing to do with it. All our children are but on loan to us. Isaac's under our roofs. Our only hope of a job well done is to accept this and give it back to the Alpha source - on an alter. Trust that ram in the thicket to do the planning, for he is also the Omega.
" Many are the plans of man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." I will sing that proverb as a psalm as look at my new future and fill this green monster van with precious cargo. May I remain small in His hands I pray, continually carried down this road by nothing more than grace. We planned the cross, Jesus planned salvation. Beyond our reach. Beyond our dreams.